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Jesus vs. Satan

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at their keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted with a huge, mean bear.  

Shaking with fear, he tried to shoot the bear but missed, succeeded only in making it angrier. He turned away and started running as fast and as far as he could. But he was no match for the bear's stamina. Exhausted, his flight to freedom ended at the edge of a very steep cliff. 

The bear's growls grew louder, reverberating against the rocky wall.

His hopes were growing dimmer with the approaching footfalls of the beast.  But, he got on his knees, opened his arms and said, "My God!  Please give this bear some religion!"

Then, a lightning bolt split the air and the grizzly stopped an arm's length short of the hunter.  The bear had a puzzled look for a moment, and then looked up into the air and said, "My God! Thank you for the food I am about to receive..."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Trevor, 12, and Kyle, 6. 

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'" Trevor turned to his younger brother and said, "Kyle, you be Jesus!"

A mother was called at work by her babysitter to hurry home with some medication for her child who was very ill. She rushed to the pharmacy, picked up the prescription and dashed back to her car. But no! She had locked the keys inside. 

Frantic, she prayed to God to help her find a way to open the car door, as time was of the essence and she couldn't wait for the Auto Service. As she stood there praying, she looked down and saw a bent metal clothes hanger on the pavement. Knowing that such were used to open car doors (at least in the movies!), she prayed for help to use it. 

Just then a ratty old car drove up next to hers. The driver  looked tough and unkempt and a little scary, but she felt that God was answering her prayer. 

Clothes hanger in hand, she told him her dilemma. He grunted, took the hanger and looked around nervously. In two seconds flat he had the door jimmied open. 

She cried and hugged him enthusiastically, thanking him profusely all the while telling him he's a very good man. 

He disagrees: "No, I'm not a good man. I was just released from prison for Grand Theft Auto." The woman beams a smile from ear to ear and hugs him and again, whispering, "Thank you, Lord, for sending me a Professional."

So this guy is talking to God and asks, "Hey God what does 100 million years seem like to you?"

God answered, " One hundred million years ? That's like a second to me."

Then the man ask, "Hey God, what's 100 million dollars seem like to you?"

One hundred million dollars? It seems like a penny to me."

So the guy says, "Hey, God, could I borrow a penny?"

And God answers, "Sure. Just a second."

A big storm approaches. The weatherman urges everyone to get out of town. The priest says "I won't worry, God will save me".

The morning of the storm, the police go through the neighborhood with a sound truck telling everyone to evacuate. The priest says "I won't worry, God will save me".

The storm drains back up and there is an inch of water standing in the street. A fire truck comes by to pick up the priest. He tells them "Don't worry, God will save me."

The water rises another foot. A national guard truck comes by to rescue the priest. He tells them "Don't worry, God will save me."

The water rises some more. The priest is forced up to his roof. A boat comes by to rescue the priest. He tells them "Don't worry, God will save me."

The water rises higher. The priest is forced up to the very top of his roof. A helicopter comes to rescue the priest. He shouts up at them "Don't worry, God will save me."

The water rises above his house, and the priest drowns.
When he gets up to heaven he says to God "I've been your faithful servant ever since I was born! Why didn't you save me?"

God replies "First I sent you a fire truck, then the national guard, then a boat, and then a helicopter. What more do you want from me!!??"

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this, let's say we have a man making contest."

To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!"

But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said no..no...no YOU GET YOUR OWN DIRT!

"A sad saint is a sad saint indeed."
Paramhansa Yogananda

Just before she dismissed them to go to church, a Sunday school teacher asked the children, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!"

A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. 

It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear."

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THIS PAGE UPDATED ON Saturday, March 26, 2005
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